Six Ways to Love your Lover

There's more than one way to fall in love. Researchers may use a classification system called Lee's Love Styles. A love style is essentially a model or script one uses when defining the ideal relationship. People with the same love styles are unsurprisingly more stable in terms of relationships. Each of the styles is named after a Greek word for love.

Eros

Eros is the prominent model in both gay and mainstream media. This is the passionate love at first sight that some people describe as chemistry. Erotic lovers are the most in love with being in love and tend to have the most romantic and sensitive notions about love. The movie Jeffrey is the classic script for this.

Ludus

Ludic lovers are all about having fun without deep attachment. This is what people think is the most common form of love in the gay community—game playing, promiscuous and non-committed. This style is most likely to cheat in relationships, provided the relationship isn't already open. Men are more prone to this relationship style than women. Having multiple partners at once is a classic ludic fantasy. As a side note: flirtation and game playing do not necessarily entail sex-- this type also enjoys flirting and enticing.

Storge

Storgic lovers are friends. The friendship forms the basis for the relationship and can often persist afterwards. Being friends with ex lovers is most important to Storgic types. A frequent trait of these relationships is for long time friends to suddenly realize they're in love. These types are high on companionate love but low on passion.

Pragma

Pragmatic lovers are just that. One nickname for it is "shopping list love". The best way to describe it is that these lovers want to find value in their relationships. A younger man who lives with an older guy for the financial security is an example of a pragmatic arrangement. The "power couple", where the partners benefit from their combined influence, might be another example.

Mania

Past adolescence this really isn't that healthy. Mania is a watered down form of obsession and people prone to this style usually have low self esteem. Relationship dynamics can suffer for a variety of reasons up to and including full blown codependency. Fortunately therapy can help and people can exit this style.

Agape

This is self sacrificing or spiritual love. It's largely unconditional so the object of affection doesn't necessarily need to return it. Agapic lovers might also find a kind of satori in the ascetic path—devoting themselves to a religion or mankind rather than a particular person. Agapic lovers are willing to lay down their lives for their partners.

Ludus and Eros are probably the most frequently encountered types within the gay community. Understanding where you are in this system can help you with finding a stable relationship or at least satisfying encounter. The existence of guys who are primarily interested in physical intimacy seems to be an eternally vexing fact of life for more romantic guys but theres enough overlap that the lines aren't always distinct.

There's certainly Mania and Pragma as well, but I can't think of a single example among people I know of Agape or Storge. That's not surprising though—neither type would benefit much from online dating or bar life. Nor would either likely be terribly unhappy as a single.

Psych IT has a quiz you can take to find your type, as well as your attachment style.

In case you were curious, I'm Ludic ;)

Comments

[Justen]

Interesting link! Though I'd heard of these terms before, I'd never really thought about my own personal love style. Turns out I'm primarily erotic with Ludic a close second.