Broken Cupid

New Sites: Over The Scene & Radar Lounge

Here's an exclusive press release from a new a social network [Quoted form the email sent to me]:

It has occurred to me that there are limited networking options for gay men who have outgrown going out and getting wasted every weekend. Most networking sites seem to cater for those with a ‘party lifestyle’. Not that I have anything against either drugs or partying, but I feel the offering is somewhat one-sided. Which is why I have set up a new social networking site:

http://www.overthescene.com/

If you feel this describes you, why not check it out? The site is new but pretty well designed and registration is a breeze.

If you prefer the scene then maybe Radar lounge is more your speed. It's social networking for the nightlife crowd.

Some More Science Articles: Choices and Ageing

First up is a study done on the impact of choice on dating. As we've well covered here-- more options are not better when you search. Link

The basic premise is that humans used to have 30 or so eligible mates (less if you're gay) within a human community of 150... Now we're faced with thousands of options and our brains have not yet adapted to deal with it. The result is that more choices yield fewer satisfactory options.

In all of this there's a case to be made for being the pursuee in a relationship. Being the proactive party means having to make a decision based on all available options whereas letting them come to you limits the field to a choice of interested suitors.

Also from OPW an article about older people finding love after 40. The key takeaway is that there are more singles not than ever in American history because people are holding off. For what? Well are we more single because we're more independent and cautious or are we more single because there's too much choice?

Love, Defined

I got an email from a rather good looking fellow in my home state of Indiana expressing a desire for a long term relationship. It's hard for him you see because most gay guys are "flamers" and he is not. Well I know a red flag when I see one so I responded with a thanks and asked if he was really located in Indiana  (since last I checked it's really far away).

Here was his reply:

Well, I live in Indiana. I am not worried about distance because I know that the right guy could live anywhere. I own a business, so if I met the right guy he would have to move here. Would you move if you met the right guy?

Of course I might, but the right guy wouldn't live in Indiana let alone get himself into a situation where he was unable to leave. But all kidding aside, I wonder if he sees the irony.

Yes relationships are about compromise but that requires both people to be willing to make adjustments. The "right guy" might move, but if you're unwilling to do so yourself, are you the right guy? Seems like a set up doomed to failure.

Advice to Singles from an Editor at Vogue – in 1936 | Psychology Today Blogs

Advice to Singles from an Editor at Vogue – in 1936 | Psychology Today Blogs.

"In spite of living by one of the most underpaid professions in the world, Miss S. has been to Europe three times and to Mexico once, and three years ago she paid for the care of a tubercular pupil. She feels very sorry for her friends in Maine whose lives are limited to husbands and a trip to Portland."

Where I’m At

As some of you may have noticed. I've not been updating as frequently.

When I started this blog I wanted to have a project and I had certain standards of success that I wanted to achieve by certain points in time. As far as my content goes I couldn't be happier and I think I really do provide comprehensive information that you can't find anywhere else. I think that most relationship advice is about making people feel good rather than being verifiable or accurate. (There's nothing wrong with that, per se, but people who enjoy this blog are a rare breed among gays and humanity in general).

There's a limited demand for scientifically accurate dating advice that encourages people to be single. Long story short—I can't figure out how to make money doing this and it's starting to feel like a job. This is not breaking up by the way…

I think this blog and I need our space and I'm just going to scale back on frequency and stick to relevant topics in the news, like this write up on whether playing hard to get is worth it. (Short answer: NO, but read up).

On a personal note—I've also changed my priorities in terms of romance. I'm going to try being single and celibate so it seems kind of strange to be giving relationship and dating advice. Although I will leave you with one:

There is some wisdom to the old saying—love may not come when you least expect it, BUT if you look too hard for love you're going to be less satisfied with your choices. Based on our brain's inability to be confident in complex ambiguous decisions. J

I know,
You gonna want me,
But when you want me,
It might be a different story

Tiga- You Gonna Want Me

Is That a Ring on Your Finger or are You Just Happy to See Me?

One thing that's a constant frustration out at the bars is the flirty husband. He's in a committed LTR with his soul mate but still enjoys going out by himself and chatting up strangers. In fact since he has a relationship he feels secure and insulated from rejection so he's totally relaxed and charming. Until you find out he's got a BF.

The real moral to the story is you should never trust anyone who seems too comfortable in a bar. Either they have nothing to lose or they're a high self monitor.

I've always said that coupled men who enter bars should be forced to wear unflattering orange jumpsuits or have some stamp on their foreheads for ease of identification. Not that I'm couple-phobic but in those situations, it can be a major bummer to find out the guy you've been drinking up the courage to talk to is someone else's property.

Although I don't expect gay marriage to have any direct impact on my life, hopefully these guys will at least start wearing rings. ;)

Social Attitudes Play Little Role in Orientation

Is it just me or is there a ton of gay research coming out? Call me cynical but maybe the California thing has raised interest in homosexuality. Another twin study (with almost 7000) participants showed that cultural and family values played less of a role than individual experience and genetics. It should be noted that the study only attributed 18-39% of sexual orientation to genetics and the majority to unique environment such as conditions during pregnancy and sexual experiences.

I like that they also looked at the influences in heterosexuality as well. Apparently it's not a choice for them either. Beyond the origins of sexual orintation there are far more interesting questions to be answered.

I know it's a lot to ask from science to provide practical or useful information about male-male relationship dynamics rather than have to constantly dismiss ignorant, homophobic assertions about the supposed "choice" to be gay. On the part of the researchers though they're doing a good thing and I applaud them—I just wish they didn't have to. Or at least that it would actually convince someone of something.

Flirting without Flirting: Buy Drinks for Everyone

I've always found bars socially frustrating. Unlike clubs where you can go dance, there's not much to do at a bar if you don't know people and are of a shy disposition.

My friend offered a great, if expensive, way to pick up guys at a bar. If you see some cute guys at a bar, buy a round for everyone. The problem with the direct approach at bars is that of you face rejection and go back to your spot it can look like you're working your way down the line.

The drink makes you seem generous and gives you something to connect with guys over while not seeming like you're buying him a drink specifically. Unless I happen to be really low on cash and already well into a binge, I chafe at guys who offer to buy me drinks. I'd rather not feel like I owe anyone. But, if I'm caught in an area effect, then why not enjoy it?

The guys should at least come up to say thanks and then you can let the conversation happen. And if they still won't talk to you then you've spent 5$ to learn they're an asshole in a relatively painless manner.

One evening my friend managed to pick up ten guys simultaneously. o_O

My Dating Site Idea

Another dating site has emerged for the Beautiful People. Yes it's another silly rating site where one must be ranked by other members to join. Sigh.

I have a twist that's much more interesting and useful to the regular populace. What if you applied crowdsourcing to online dating?

Since people seem to enjoy rating others photos anyway why not build those results in to the search criteria of a dating site. Imagine if you could search for guys on Hotornot who were above an 8.2 (which is average for that site). Or perhaps more usefully, search for partners who at least matched your own rating.

It would need more tweaking to be viable for heterosexuals but I think it could work. Ideally you could go all Amazon.com on it and even suggest dates based on interest. The problem with computer recommendations is that they rely on very quantitative data when the opinion of other people may be a more reliable gauge.

Although automated services like Eyelike and MyDouble, which use facial recognition, are ready for the dating market to license says industry consultant, Mark Brooks.

Is Facebook Good for Dating?

I recently signed up for Facebook and I found it to be quite a bit of fun. As it overtakes the loathsome MySpace in popularity, more and more old friends from my past are added daily. While it's been great for reconnecting it makes me wonder if it's any good for dating, whis a question Alex asked me a while back

My initial impression is no.  I've not been hit on once since starting my account. Honestly that's more of a relief than anything else. And depending on a user's privacy settings, you might be stuck looking at a thumbnail photo. However there is a wide selection of dating applications within the basic platform.

Are You Interested? Is the most active platform and by default your most likely choice to set up a profile. However it's like hotornot's meet me which gives you only the crudest means of filtering your results and shows you a profile one picture at a time, albeit about 1000x faster. Like Dlist it also lets you say yes anonymously so no one has to face rejection. Still this is basically like dating roulette—good if you have a lot of time on your hands and aren't too picky. Or if you're on a mobile device.

As social networks begin to become giant directories that contain everyone, there's some real promise in using that to find someone who meets your qualifications. The facebook search is good but as far as I can tell is limited by network. Niche networks like Connexion and Realjock feel a little more comfortable and natural when approaching total strangers.

But that's my experience. Has anyone out there had any success stories?

Oh.. And also feel free to add me, Mike Bode.